True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
