last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
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We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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