Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
