Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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