You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
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We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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