Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
