You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
