I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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