I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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