soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
