Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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