oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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