it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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