Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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