Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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