i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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