Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
