my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
