Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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