I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
