when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
