Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm having to shit out rocks
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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