dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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