My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
