Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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