seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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