I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
