it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
