my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
