mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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