i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just blew my weed a kiss
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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