Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
