you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
