my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
