Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
