I am midnight drunk by noon
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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