You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
