I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
