his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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