That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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