Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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