You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
bring money and cleavage
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
