it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
