You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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