apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
