We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
