I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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