Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
