She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
