You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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