I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
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