I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This baby is an asshole
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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