I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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