no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
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I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
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Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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