After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I can't turn off my feet"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
