So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
