I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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