Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
