i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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