So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
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She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
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I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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