please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
