if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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